Excerpts

From Chapter 2...

Pay Attention

For the most part, people change subtly.  A look in the mirror will verify this for even the vainest of us. So, someone who doesn’t see your elder as often as you do may notice changes that you haven’t.  It’s ok.

The old pictures on the refrigerator don’t lie.  Neither does the mirror.  But, how often do you really take a good look at anything?  Adult care requires attention to detail because you’re in unfamiliar turf everyday.  Some families just send the old fossil off to the nursing home at the first sign of dementia, old age, physical impairments, or when they start to need care.  WRONG.

Adult care can be an enjoyable experience if taken without somberness.  Putting a loved one in a final care facility should not remind you of taking your dog to have it “put to sleep”.  This can be another lifestyle change that everyone involved can enjoy, suffer through, deny, delay or face up to.

People do change.  The older they get, the more important it is for you to monitor them.  Watch for things that seem unusual. The better you know them while they’re healthy, the better you’ll be able to help them if they have a medical challenge.  Listen closely during phone conversations.  If they say they don’t feel well, ask why.  Most illnesses have a pattern and minor, recurring symptoms could be overlooked.  Some complaints just might be old age; others can be serious.

From Chapter 9...

Denial

This can’t be happening to me, can it?
Yes, it is. Responsibility reaches new highs.

They’re ok at home, aren’t they?
If you’ve asked yourself this question, then you are contemplating the answer. As soon as you realize they may need to move, start looking at places. Don’t wait.

They’re in good shape, aren’t they?
The goal is to keep them safe, happy and healthy.

They can’t be ready to move, can they?
They’re ok alone, aren’t they?
This is the safety question. Can they be safe and happy somewhere else? Yes. So start looking, with them, for the next place.

Are they as bad as they seem? 
This is the heavy denial issue. You’ll know when they’re “losing it”.
At the first sign that they are becoming hazardous to themselves, you will have to move them. When this becomes imminent, you will want to be ready. I looked at places for months before we had to move my dad. There’s no denying that you need to be ready.
Don’t deny yourself the moment in your parent’s life when you are prepared to help them. When you were an infant they planned big things for you later in life. Now, it’s your turn. Be ready. Take charge. Do what’s best for them.

Families tend to confuse this part of the process. The person closest to the elder should be in the lead. Communication is the key between siblings. Remember only one thing: do what is best for the safety and health of your elder. Safety first. If they are in a safe environment, then they are less prone to being injured in an unsupervised household condition. I cannot stress this enough. Much to your surprise, once they make the move, they may too, be more at ease. Security. Safety. For all of you.

From Chapter 14...

Hope and Despair

One day, as you sit in a hospital room or in the emergency department, waiting for discharge, you’ll wonder, to where, you and your elder are headed. Are we going home, or to a rehab facility or to a nursing home? For now or forever? I feel hope. Hope has been the preeminent emotion for these learning years of my eldercare indoctrination. Hope is strong. It will fuel your fire. It will go kicking and screaming from your life when it replaces itself with despair.

I’ve sat and looked at a failing human being who I supported for the last few years and I feel like I’ve hit the wall. Not like a failure but more like a giant letdown. Did I succeed, fail, or am I just at the beginning again? It’s time to rally, to gear up for a new adventure. I hope we’re going to rehab, I hope he’ll return to assisted living, but mostly I hope for the best resolution.

Is this false hope or a way of making myself feel good? Only time will tell. If rehab works then it’s back to assisted living. But, for how long?

How long is it until the next medical event takes away hope and turns it into despair? In the blink of an eye! A break in the action becomes the next event. You thought your elder was off to a maintenance free living situation and, you were back on infrequent visitation rights and, boom, off the rails you and your elder go. To where, who knows. But, most certainly, another adventure.

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